Depression, My Old Familiar Friend
It is wild how depression works. You can have every tool in your therapeutic toolbox. You can know your triggers, understand the patterns, and teach other people how to navigate their symptoms. And still when depression hits, it hits with full force.
I am a therapist, yes. But I am also human. And right now I am in the middle of a depressive episode.
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| My baby was old enough to drive a car, but this still hurts! |
If you looked at a picture of my room today you would see the evidence. Depression is not always a dramatic collapse. Sometimes it is a slow quiet erosion.
And it reminded me of something important. Many people do not actually know what depression looks like, especially when it is not the movie version.
Let’s talk about it.
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| Picture of my room at the peak of my depression 😢 |
What Depression Actually Looks Like
Depression shows up emotionally, mentally, physically, and behaviorally. Sometimes it screams and sometimes it whispers.
Emotional and Mental Symptoms:
Feeling sad empty hopeless or irritable
Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Increased anxiety
Thoughts of death or suicide
Physical Symptoms:
Big changes in appetite or weight
Sleeping too much or not enough
Fatigue that feels like carrying cement
Headaches digestive problems unexplained aches
Feeling restless or the opposite feeling slowed down
Behavioral Symptoms:
Drinking or using substances more
Pulling away from friends or isolating
Declining school or work performance
Irritability anger or frustration
High risk behaviors
Neglecting hygiene or appearance
Depression is not one dimensional. It is a full body full mind experience.
When Depression Mutes the World
One thing I am noticing right now is how muted everything feels emotionally, physically, and visually.
There is research showing that people who are depressed literally see colors as less vibrant. Someone else might see bright red roses or a sky so blue it feels like a filter. Meanwhile your world looks like a gray documentary.
This is why it is so frustrating when people say mental health is not real. If only you could see what we see.
Irritability – The Underrated Symptom
Depression is not always sadness. Sometimes it is snapping at the wrong time for the wrong reason.
In some communities sadness is seen as weakness or fake. And because anger is the only acceptable emotion, it becomes the mask.
Then There Is High Functioning Depression
Sometimes depression looks like nothing at all. You go to work. You pay your bills. You show up in the world smiling, laughing, performing. And meanwhile you are silently drowning.
We see this with comedians, public figures, maybe your coworker, maybe you.
Symptoms of High Functioning Depression
Emotionally and Mentally:
Persistent sadness, irritability, guilt, trouble focusing, numbness, thoughts of deathPhysically:
Fatigue, sleep changes, appetite changes, random aches
Behaviorally:
Keeping up appearances
Masking the pain
Withdrawing quietly
Pushing through until you are exhausted
High functioning depression is not a clinical diagnosis. It is a description of a very real experience.
When Should You Seek Help
You should reach out to a provider if you experience five or more symptoms for at least two weeks.
If you have thoughts of death or suicide seek immediate medical help by going to the nearest emergency room or calling emergency services. Your life is too important to navigate this alone.
How my friends probably felt when I finally asked for help...
What Is Helping Me Right Now and What Might Help You
When everything feels heavy we need compassion and structure. Here are some gentle strategies.
Behavioral Activation
Yes, please go back and read my blog post about it. It truly helps.
Behavioral activation is the practice of choosing small meaningful actions even when you do not feel like it. A few minutes of sunlight, a short walk, washing one dish. These are not cures, they are anchors.
Emotional Scaling
This is a lifesaver. When depression numbs everything it is easy not to realize how far down the emotional elevator you have gone. If you need a reminder of how emotional scaling works, subscribe to my newsletter. The first email includes a wellness guide that explains the process.
Lowering the Bar Again and Again
Some days success is brushing your teeth.
Some days it is drinking water.
Some days it is answering one text.
That still counts.
Connecting Instead of Isolating
Reach out to one safe person. Even sending a thinking of you gif breaks the isolation cycle.
One Pocket of Calm
Create one small corner of your environment that feels safe or comforting.
Not the whole house. Just one space.
Returning to the Basics
Sleep, hydration, food, sunlight, movement.
Not perfectly. Just gently.
You Do Not Have To Do This Alone
Depression can make you feel like you are underwater watching life happen from behind glass. I am in this space right now too and I want you to know that healing is possible and it is not linear.
If you are struggling:
Review my earlier blog posts. I have written about my own depression and the tools that carried me through. Read my blog post on Behavioral Activation for practical strategies. Subscribe to my newsletter for the emotional scaling guide and ongoing support. Reach out if you need help.
Sometimes a conversation is the first step toward feeling like yourself again. You deserve relief. You deserve support. You deserve to feel whole again.
Even here in the middle of my own episode, I believe that for both of us.
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