Part 2: Sexual Assault, Family Systems, and the Weight of Not Being Believed

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses childhood sexual assault, family dynamics, and trauma-related emotional impact. Please read with care.

What happens when sexual assault doesn’t just happen…

…but happens in your youth?

And not at the hands of a stranger, but someone you know.

Someone your family knows.
Someone trusted.
Someone who had access to you.

The Truth We Avoid

Sexual assault is more likely to come from someone known to you or your family.

• About 9 out of 10 survivors know the perpetrator

• Many assaults are committed by:

• Family members

• Family friends

• Intimate partners

• Community members

So when we teach people to fear strangers…

We are missing where the real risk often lives.

When It Happens in Youth

• 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys experience sexual violence before age 18

And yet, instead of protecting children, we often hear:

• “She’s too fast”

• “They’re mature for their age”

• “They knew what they were doing”

At our big age, we know what a child is. We know what a teenager is. So why are we pretending otherwise? And more importantly, who does that pretending protect? Because it is for damn sure not protecting children.

It is protecting predators.

When someone you trust violates you, it doesn’t just hurt your body.

It changes how you see people, safety, the world, and even yourself. The whole world just stops feeling safe.

Suddenly every room feels uncertain, every relationship feels questionable, and every moment carries a quiet “what if.”

The Normalization That Gets Passed Down

In some families, this isn’t treated as a crisis.

It’s treated as a pattern.

• “It happened to me too”

• “That’s just how things were”

• “Don’t make it a big deal”

This is how trauma becomes generational. For my family it was everywhere. I knew it happened to almost all of the women on my moms side of the family. It started to feel as though “That’s just how things were.” Somehow, like many other families, we turned into people that holiday parties with that uncle and that cousin and nobody really talked about it.

When trauma is normalized, it stops being named. And when it’s not named it doesn’t get healed. It gets passed down.

When harm is minimized:

• It doesn’t stop

• It doesn’t heal

• It repeats

“Did They Protect Me?”

This question doesn’t go away.

Especially when:

• You told someone and nothing happened

• You were dismissed

• You were told you were lying

• The person who harmed you was protected

That kind of betrayal changes everything.

What Happens to the Mind When You’re Not Believed

Not being believed can be as damaging as the assault itself.

It creates:

1. Deep Self-Doubt

• “Did I exaggerate?”

• “Was it really that bad?”

• “Maybe it was my fault”

2. Shame and Identity Distortion

• “Something is wrong with me”

• “I must have caused this”

• “I’m not worth protecting”

3. Loss of Trust in Others

• Caregivers didn’t protect you

• Adults didn’t act

• Systems failed

So your brain adapts to “people are not safe.”

4. Loss of Trust in Yourself

• Ignoring your instincts

• Questioning your own reality

• Struggling to set boundaries

5. A World That Feels Unsafe

It’s not just about one person anymore.

It becomes:

• Hypervigilance

• Anxiety

• Feeling unsafe in familiar spaces

• Difficulty relaxing

Because your nervous system learned early:

“Danger can exist anywhere. Even at home.”

Why So Many People Don’t Report

Sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes. And when it happens in youth, the barriers are even heavier:

• You may not have the language to explain what happened

• You may rely on adults to report and they don’t

• You may fear getting in trouble or not being believed

• You may be protecting your family, even at your own expense

• You may not fully understand that what happened was abuse

And sometimes…

You did tell.
And nothing happened.

That kind of silence can echo for years.

The Reality of Silence

About 60% of sexual assaults are never reported.

And when they are reported:

• Survivors are often questioned

• Evidence may be limited (especially years later)

• Cases may not move forward

Which raises an important question:

If we know it takes time to process trauma… why don’t we create systems that allow for delayed reporting?

California has begun to shift laws around the statute of limitations, especially highlighted during high-profile cases like Bill Cosby. I remember when this change was made right after writing about it in graduate school. I honestly don't think this issue would have been addressed without a high profile case like this. That shift didn’t happen because we deeply value survivors. It happened because the system was forced to respond.

And yet, the truth remains:

• The longer someone waits, the less physical evidence exists

• But that does not make the harm less real

• And it should not protect those who harm others, especially when many perpetrators have multiple victims

People who commit sexual assault often do it more than once. So when someone is not held accountable it doesn’t just impact one person.

Breaking the Cycle

We break generational trauma by doing what wasn’t done before:

• We believe survivors

• We stop blaming children

• We stop protecting harmful behavior

• We name things clearly

• We create safety for truth

A Gentle Truth to Hold Onto

If this happened to you:

Whether you were a child, whether you told someone or not, whether you’re just now understanding it..

You were not responsible.
You were not “too much.”
You were not “too fast.”

You were a child.

And you deserved protection.