Honoring Suicide Awareness Month: Reflections from the Middle of Grief
I am writing this the day after my father’s funeral. He died by suicide. Just typing those words feels surreal, heavy, and raw. Part of me wonders if I should wait until I’ve had more time to process before sharing. Another part of me knows that being honest in the middle of this grief might help someone else who is hurting, questioning, or feeling alone.
Suicide is not simple. It leaves behind a tangled web of grief that mixes shock, guilt, anger, love, confusion, and unbearable sadness. There is no neat or predictable way to grieve this kind of loss. One moment you feel numb. The next you are replaying every conversation for clues you may never fully find. And then comes the haunting questions. Why? Could I have done something? Was I not enough? These questions are normal. But they can also consume you if you forget this truth: you are not responsible for someone else’s decision to end their life.
The Complex Nature of Suicide Grief
Grieving after suicide feels different than other kinds of loss. It often brings:
Shock and denial. Your brain tries to protect you by numbing out because the reality is too much.
Guilt and self-blame. You replay “what if” scenarios, even though deep down you know you could not have controlled the outcome.
Anger. Anger at the person you lost, at yourself, at the world, sometimes all at once.
Rejection. The aching question: Why wasn’t my love enough to keep them here?
Isolation. Suicide carries stigma and people often do not know what to say. This can make survivors feel hidden in their grief.
Each of these emotions is real. Each deserves space. None of them make you a bad survivor of loss.
Talking About Suicide: For Those Who Struggle
Suicide often comes from a place of unbearable hopelessness. When you are in that state, your mind convinces you that there are no other options, that the pain will never end, and that people would be better off without you. But here is what both research and lived experience show us: most people who survive a suicide attempt are relieved to still be alive, and many go on to build meaningful, fulfilling lives.
If you have ever had suicidal thoughts, you are not weak, broken, or beyond help. Many people use those thoughts as a way to cope when their emotions feel too big to handle. Sometimes the thoughts are less about wanting to die and more about wanting relief.
If this sounds familiar, please know that you will not always feel this way and you do not have to carry it alone. Support, treatment, and time can help your brain find new ways to cope.
Hospitalization and Healing
For some people, hospitalization is part of the journey. And let us be honest. Psychiatric hospitalization can be traumatic. Being admitted against your will, feeling stripped of control, or experiencing restraints and forced medications can leave scars that complicate recovery.
This is why trauma-informed care is so important. Healing is not just about keeping someone alive. It is also about restoring dignity, agency, and safety. If you have had a painful hospital experience, your reaction is valid. And it does not mean that help is out of reach. Community-based supports, therapy, and peer groups can provide more empowering paths forward.
How to Create a Safety Plan and Manage Suicidal Thoughts
I am adding this section because I want to give you something practical to use, whether you are worried about someone you love or you are trying to survive your own thoughts. A safety plan is a short, concrete list of steps you can follow when suicidal thoughts show up. It is not complicated, and it can save your life.
What a safety plan is for
A safety plan helps you spot warning signs early, use coping strategies that actually work for YOU, find people and places that keep you safe, and remove or limit access to things that could cause harm. You can make one with a therapist, a trusted friend, or on your own. Update it when things change.
Simple steps to build a safety plan
Warning signs. Write down what shows up right before things get bad. For example, racing thoughts, trouble sleeping, isolating from friends, or suddenly feeling numb. Naming these signs helps you catch the crisis early.
Internal coping strategies. List things you can do by yourself to calm down. These are small, doable actions you can use without calling anyone. Examples:
5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise, naming senses.
Sit with a cup of tea and a short guided breathing practice.
Take a warm shower or a short walk around the block.
Read a comforting poem or watch one short funny video.
Pick what works for you and keep it simple.Social contacts for distraction. List people you can call or places you can go that are safe and distracting. Sometimes being with other people helps more than anything else. Think coffee shops, community centers, a friend who will sit with you, or a day program.
People to call for help. Put down names and numbers of two to four people who you trust to help in a crisis. Ask them ahead of time if they are willing to be on your plan. Let them know how you want them to support you, even if it is just sitting in silence with you.
Professional resources. Include your therapist, psychiatrist, crisis team numbers, and the national lifeline. In the U.S. dial 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline any time. If you are outside the U.S., find your local crisis number. If you feel you are in immediate danger, go to the nearest emergency department or call emergency services.
How to make the environment safer. Decide how you will limit access to means. Practical examples:
Give pills, alcohol, or other substances to a trusted person for safekeeping.
Remove or safely store sharp objects, ropes, or firearms. If you have firearms, consider asking a trusted friend to hold them or storing them unloaded and locked with the keys held by someone else.
Small steps like these reduce risk dramatically.What to do if things escalate. Write clear instructions for what to do if your plan is not working. This might include calling a close contact, calling 988, heading to the emergency room, or asking someone to stay with you.
Example short safety plan you can copy
Warning signs: racing thoughts, cannot sleep, isolating for two days.
Grounding tasks: 5-4-3-2-1 exercise, box breathing for two minutes, drink water.
Distraction options: sit in the cafe for 30 minutes with a crossword, watch a 10-minute comedy clip, go for a short walk.
Call people: Stan at 555-111-2222, Julia at 555-333-4444. Tell them: I need you to stay with me or talk until I feel calmer.
Professional help: therapist name and number, crisis line 988.
Make environment safe: give all unused pills to Julia, lock knives in kitchen cabinet and give key to Stan.
If still in danger: go to emergency room or call 911.
Tips for managing suicidal thoughts in the moment
Delay and distract. Tell yourself you will wait 24 or 48 hours before acting on any plan. Often urges ebb when you hold them off. Have a short list of distraction activities ready.
Grounding and breathing. Use grounding such as the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise. Do slow, full breaths for two to five minutes. These methods can lower the intensity of panic and give you space to choose something safer.
Reach out even if you do not want to. Call someone on your list even if you feel like a burden. Let them know you are struggling and ask them to stay with you for a while. Just being with another person is a powerful antidote to isolation.
Use structured self soothing. Simple routines like making a cup of tea, putting on comfortable clothes, or listening to a playlist of songs that calm you can shift your state.
Limit substances. Avoid alcohol or drugs. They can increase impulsivity and make it harder to use coping strategies.
Sleep when possible. If you can sleep, try to. A night of rest can reset your thinking. If you cannot sleep, a short nap or lying down in a safe place can help.
Read your lists. Keep a short list of reasons to stay and people who care near you. Read it out loud when thoughts feel loud.
Practice self-compassion. Say to yourself what you might say to a friend who was hurting. You are allowed to be scared and exhausted.
If you have made a plan or feel you might act, get to safety right away. Call 988, go to the emergency room, call your crisis team, or call emergency services.
Create your plan now, not later
Safety planning is easier when you are calm. Make your plan ahead of time when you have support. Share it with at least one person who can help you use it. Update it as your life changes.
Living With and After Suicide
If you are grieving a loved one lost to suicide:
Take your grief at your own pace. There is no “should” in how you mourn.
Lean on others who understand, whether that is friends, therapists, or survivor support groups.
Give yourself permission to feel everything without judgment. Grief is exhausting, so rest when you need to.
Prepare for anniversaries and hard days. Make small plans that honor your loved one while protecting your own heart.
Accept that some questions may never be answered. Healing does not mean understanding every “why.”
And if you are someone who has survived suicidal thoughts or an attempt, please know that your story does not end here. You are not alone. You are not a burden. You are worth staying for.
Final Thoughts
As I sit in my own grief, I do not have tidy words of comfort. What I do have is hope. Hope that by sharing openly, we can chip away at the silence that surrounds suicide. Every life lost is not only a tragedy but also a reminder of how much work we still have to do in compassion, awareness, and care.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out for help. Here in the U.S., you can dial 988 to connect with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline any time. If you are outside the U.S., look up local hotlines in your country. And if you are grieving a suicide loss, know that your pain deserves gentleness and that healing, though slow, is possible.
I honor my father, and all the loved ones we have lost, by continuing to talk about suicide. Even when it is uncomfortable. Even when it hurts.
Because silence will never save us. But honesty, compassion, and connection just might.
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