Let’s Talk Attachment: Why You’re Not Just “Too Clingy” or “Too Distant”

Understanding Attachment Styles Without Putting Yourself in a Box

When people talk about attachment theory, it can start to sound a little like the psychology version of a zodiac sign. You read about “anxious” or “avoidant” and start wondering if your entire dating history was written for you before you could even walk. Or maybe you read about “secure” attachment and think, “Wow, must be nice.”

But here’s the thing. Attachment theory isn’t about labeling you or deciding what’s wrong with you. It’s about learning where your emotional responses in relationships might come from. It’s about getting curious, not critical. And it’s absolutely not about putting yourself in a box.

This is really about insight. It’s about understanding how your earliest experiences in life (especially between birth and age five) helped shape the way you connect with people today, whether that’s romantically, platonically, or professionally.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby. It explores the emotional bonds we form with our caregivers in early childhood and how those relationships shape the way we interact with people later in life.

Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work and created a study called the “Strange Situation,” which helped identify different attachment styles in infants. Later, researchers like Main and Solomon introduced the disorganized style to better reflect how early trauma can show up in relationships.

The heart of the theory is this:

• People are born needing connection.

• How you were treated when you needed comfort as a child teaches you what to expect from relationships.

• These early patterns, called attachment styles, often carry into adulthood.

  

But don’t worry, these styles are not set in stone. They can shift as you grow, heal, and experience relationships that feel safe and supportive.

A Quick Word About Where Attachment Styles Come From

A lot of the pop-psych content online will try to pin your attachment style on how you act in one particular relationship. But that’s not really accurate.

Your attachment style doesn’t form based on one person. It develops from repeated emotional experiences with your primary caregivers during the earliest years of your life. These caregivers might have been your parents, grandparents, foster parents, older siblings, or anyone else who had the most regular contact with you.

Some people try to figure out their style by thinking about how they show up in romantic relationships, but that’s only part of the picture. Those dynamics can reflect old patterns, but the roots go much deeper.

And just to clear something up, attachment theory was once criticized for making it seem like everything was the mother’s fault. That’s a harmful and outdated view. We now understand that all primary caregivers matter. This is not about blaming parents. It’s about learning from our early experiences and making choices that support healing.

The Four Main Attachment Styles (And Why You Might See Yourself in More Than One)

You don’t have to fit perfectly into one style. Most people feel like a mix of different traits, and that’s completely normal. You are complex. Your experiences are layered. You are not just one label.

Let’s break the styles down:

Secure Attachment

• Grows from having a caregiver who was emotionally available and consistent

• Comfortable with closeness and also okay with independence

• Can ask for help, express needs, and resolve conflict in healthy ways

• Shows up in relationships as dependable, open, and emotionally grounded

Avoidant Attachment (also called Insecure-Avoidant)

• Develops when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive

• Learns to rely only on themselves and suppress emotional needs

• Struggles with intimacy and may shut down during emotional situations

• Often values independence to the point of pushing people away

Anxious Attachment (also called Insecure-Anxious)

• Develops when caregivers were inconsistent in meeting emotional needs

• Becomes hyper-aware of others and worried about being abandoned

• Often seeks reassurance and fears rejection

• Can come across as clingy, overly sensitive, or needing constant validation

Disorganized Attachment (also called Fearful-Avoidant)

• Develops in environments where caregivers were frightening or unpredictable

• Wants connection but fears getting hurt

• Often swings between closeness and withdrawal

• May have difficulty with trust, emotional regulation, and setting boundaries

  

If This Brings Up Emotions, That’s Okay

Reading about attachment styles can bring up a lot. Maybe you didn’t have consistent love and care growing up. Maybe your earliest experiences were filled with fear, confusion, or neglect.

If you’re feeling heavy right now, you’re not alone.

Your nervous system adapted to survive. You did what you needed to do as a child to get by. That doesn’t make you broken. That makes you incredibly resilient.

Understanding your attachment style is not about blaming the past. It’s about giving yourself permission to understand why relationships sometimes feel hard and how you can make them feel better.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Absolutely. You are not stuck. Your attachment style is not your destiny.

Healing happens through new experiences, new relationships, and yes sometimes therapy. You can change the way you connect with others and with yourself. And you don’t have to do it perfectly.

Here are some tools that can help:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helps you get to know and heal different parts of yourself

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Powerful for processing trauma

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Supports emotion regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal skills

• Corrective Bonding: Safe relationships can reshape your emotional patterns

• Intentional Relationships: Choose people who support your healing

• Open Communication: Practice being honest about your needs

• Self-Awareness: Notice your patterns without judgment

You Deserve to Feel Safe in Love

Attachment theory is not here to shame you. It’s here to give you language for things you may have felt your entire life but never had the words to explain.

If you were raised in chaos or inconsistency, it makes sense that trust is hard. It makes sense that intimacy can feel both comforting and terrifying. It makes sense that you might pull away the moment someone gets close.

But those patterns can shift. You can create new experiences. You can learn to trust again. Not just others, but also yourself!

You deserve love that feels calm and safe. You deserve to be seen, held, and understood. And you don’t have to figure it all out at once.

A Gentle Reflection

What’s one relationship pattern you’ve noticed in yourself that you’re ready to explore with curiosity instead of judgment?

Start there. Healing doesn’t require rushing. Just a little awareness and a little compassion can go a long way.