Do I Have to Forgive to Heal? (Spoiler: Not Always, and Definitely Not Like That)

Let’s talk about the F word.

No, not that one. I’m talking about forgiveness—a word that makes some folks feel all warm and fuzzy, and others want to flip a table.

So here’s the question someone recently asked me (and it's a great one):
“Is it possible to heal from trauma without forgiving the person who caused it?”

And my answer is: Yes… and also, maybe. But not in the way we’ve been taught to think about it.

Let me explain.

🎭 Forgiveness, American-Style

In American culture, forgiveness often comes with this cheery, unhelpful phrase:
"Forgive and forget."

As if forgetting major betrayal or abuse is something you can just do if you try hard enough. (It's giving ✨emotional amnesia✨ and honestly, that’s not a thing.)

Many of us have been told—explicitly or subtly—that forgiveness means:

• Wiping the slate clean

• Saying “It’s okay” (even when it’s very much not)

• Letting the person back into your life

• Pretending the hurt never happened

But real, healthy forgiveness? Doesn’t require any of that.

💡 So What Is Forgiveness, Then?

Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event or a forced moral obligation. It’s when someone who has been wronged chooses to let go of their resentment, and may treat the wrongdoer with compassion—not necessarily for their sake, but for their own peace.

Let me be clear:
🔹 It does not mean forgetting
🔹 It does not mean condoning the behavior
🔹 It does not mean reconciling the relationship
🔹 It does not mean pretending it didn’t affect you

You can absolutely forgive someone while fully acknowledging that what they did was not okay.

🧠 The Science-y Stuff

Research on forgiveness therapy shows that letting go of long-held resentment (when you're ready and in your own way) is associated with:

• Decreased depression

• Lower levels of rumination (aka the mental hamster wheel of “what they did”)

• Reduced emotional distress

• Better physical health (yep—stress and anger can absolutely wreck your body)

People who hold on to painful emotions—and yes, they have every right to—can benefit from forgiveness as a form of release, not approval of the harm.

🌱 But What If I’m Not Ready to Forgive?

Totally okay. That doesn’t make you stuck, broken, or bitter. It means you’re human, and probably still in the messy, beautiful middle of healing.

Forgiveness is not the only path to healing. It's one tool—not the whole toolbox.

You can:

• Set boundaries

• Build a life that honors your truth

• Process the trauma with a therapist

• Let go of resentment without granting forgiveness

• Find peace without ever speaking to that person again

🛠️ Tips for Managing Resentment (When Forgiveness Isn’t in the Cards Yet)

If forgiveness feels out of reach right now, try these:

1. Feel it to heal it: Don’t bypass the anger. Let it speak, journal it out, scream into a pillow. Then exhale.

2. Name what you need: What would help you feel safer and more grounded right now? Not them—you.

3. Release, don’t suppress: Try visualizations or somatic exercises that help you move stuck energy (your therapist can help here).

4. Create distance if needed: Emotional (and sometimes physical) distance is a form of self-respect.

5. Redefine forgiveness: If the traditional version doesn’t fit, try one that’s just for you. Like: “I’m letting go of this resentment for my nervous system—not because they earned it.”

💬 In Real Life…

Someone recently shared with me that forgiving their mom was a huge part of their healing—and that’s beautiful. For them, reconnecting and understanding their mother’s history helped bring peace and clarity. That kind of generational compassion can be powerful.

But if that’s not your story, or not your goal, that’s okay. You don’t owe anyone reconciliation. Your healing doesn’t need to be neat, or tied up in a bow of forgiveness. It just needs to be yours.

The REAL Tea on Forgiveness:

Forgiveness can be helpful, but it’s not required for healing. Especially not the pop-culture, “hug it out and pretend nothing happened” version. Real forgiveness is about releasing resentment, not erasing reality.

Whether or not you choose to forgive, you still get to heal, grow, and live a life that feels like yours.

You’re allowed to find peace your way. ❤️