“Is This Normal?”: What You Need to Know About Domestic Violence (Even If You’re Not Sure You’re Experiencing It)
It often comes from someone sitting on the edge of my couch, speaking in a soft voice, eyes filled with shame, guilt, or confusion. They’re describing a relationship that’s become hard to navigate—but they’re not sure if it “counts” as domestic violence.
Here’s the truth: If you’re crying yourself to sleep every night, if you’re covering up bruises with makeup, if you’re avoiding friends and family because you don’t want them to know what’s going on... then we need to talk.
And even if no one’s been hit—yet—but you feel emotionally unsafe, constantly on edge, or like you’re walking on eggshells... we need to talk.
Because domestic violence isn’t always loud. It’s not always broken dishes and screaming matches. Sometimes it’s quiet. Calculated. Sometimes, it's just as much about control as it is about harm.
What is Domestic Violence, Really?
Domestic violence—also known as intimate partner violence (IPV)—is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. It can be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, or spiritual.
And something I’ve noticed in my work is that it takes people a long time to identify what they’re experiencing as abuse. Why? Because many of us were never taught where the bar is.
So let me ask you:
Is it domestic violence only when you’re physically hurt?
Is it when you can’t go anywhere without checking in?
Is it when you stop talking to your loved ones because they’ve noticed something’s off?
Is it when you’re scared to leave because you know they’ll retaliate?
If any of that feels familiar… you’re not alone. And you’re not imagining it.
The Stats Speak Volumes (Even When Victims Can't)
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the U.S. have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence.
1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.
Men underreport domestic violence. A lot. Because we live in a patriarchal system that tells men to “man up” instead of seek help. That system doesn’t just hurt women—it harms everyone. Many men don’t come forward because they fear being dismissed, laughed at, or not taken seriously.
Another stat that might surprise you:
Women are more likely to initiate the first physical act in some domestic violence cases—but that doesn’t mean women are more violent overall. What it does mean is that IPV is complex, and mutual violence is still violence. If you’re both hitting each other, if the fights escalate, if you're afraid of your own behavior as well as theirs—this is still abuse, and it’s worth taking seriously.
Understanding the Cycle of Violence
Domestic violence often follows a repeating pattern called The Cycle of Violence:
Tension Building: The abuser starts to get angry. There may be verbal abuse, control, or threats. The victim may feel like they’re “walking on eggshells.”
Incident: Abuse occurs. It can be physical, emotional, sexual, or otherwise harmful.
Reconciliation: The abuser may apologize, make excuses, blame the victim, or give gifts to “make up for it.”
Calm (“Honeymoon”): Things feel good. The abuser may be sweet, attentive, and caring—until the cycle begins again.
This cycle can repeat for years. And over time, the “honeymoon” phase may disappear altogether, leaving only tension and violence.
The Danger of Leaving
Here’s one of the most important (and most heartbreaking) truths:
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim tries to leave.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 75% of serious injuries and fatalities in IPV relationships happen when the victim tries to leave or has recently left.
This is why leaving takes careful planning, support, and strategy. And it’s also why people stay—not because they’re weak, not because they like the abuse, but because they know the risk.
How to Develop a Safety Plan
If you’re thinking about leaving—or even just questioning your safety—it’s important to have a plan. Here are some steps to consider:
Pack a “Go Bag” with essentials: clothes, cash, medications, copies of important documents, keys.
Hide the bag somewhere safe (with a trusted friend or in a location your partner doesn’t know about).
Memorize important phone numbers, including a domestic violence hotline.
Let someone you trust know what’s going on. Even one ally can make a difference.
Create a code word you can use with friends or family to signal you need help.
Contact a local shelter or advocate. They can help you create a personalized plan.
You're Not Alone—And You Don’t Deserve This
Abuse thrives in silence. It feeds on shame. But the truth is, there’s nothing shameful about what you’re experiencing. What’s shameful is that you were made to feel like you have no way out.
There are resources. There is help. There is a life beyond this.
Resources for Support
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Or text “START” to 88788
Love is Respect (for teens and young adults): 1-866-331-9474
Or text “LOVEIS” to 22522
Women’s Shelters, local YWCAs, or mental health professionals trained in trauma and IPV
Final Thoughts: Ask Yourself—Where’s the Bar?
If you're wondering whether your relationship “counts” as abusive, ask yourself:
Am I safe?
Am I free to be myself?
Do I feel loved, respected, and heard?
Or am I constantly surviving, shrinking, or just hoping today won’t be “a bad day”?
You don’t have to wait until it gets worse. You don’t have to wait until there are broken bones, until someone else validates your experience, or until you feel ready. You just have to know: You matter. Your safety matters. And there’s a way forward.
Comments
Post a Comment